Abuse comes back in ‘a tidal wave’
Not surprisingly, Ferriss struggled with whether to make these events public. While so much of his story feels familiar to those of us who help patients process their trauma, it’s not completely typical. Ferriss remembered these episodes of sexual abuse “in high resolution,” while using ayahuasca, a hallucinogen, about 5 years ago. He describes suppressing and discounting these memories until he attended a 10-day silent retreat where he used psilocybin. I found it interesting that Ferriss fasted for 5 days before attending the retreat “to increase the depth of the experience.” He goes on to say, “Around day 6 of this silent retreat, all of this abuse came back to me like a tidal wave and it was replaying as if I was wearing a virtual reality headset. I was immersed, I wasn’t an observer, it was as though I was being traumatized and retraumatized 24/7.” He describes an excruciating and horrifying experience and he referred to it as a “psychotic break.”
Ferriss goes on to talk about how bringing these memories to light has affected him, how it’s explained many of his behaviors and ways of relating in a way that has helped him organize and understand his life.
“It was at the tail end of the retreat that I realized that these 17 seemingly inexplicable behaviors of mine – these vicious cycles or triggers that I had been treating like separate problems to be solved, were all downstream of this trauma. Oh, now that you click that puzzle piece into place, these really strange behaviors – this self-loathing, this rage that was seemingly so exaggerated and disproportionate – leading to the near-suicide I had in college – all these things fell into places making sense.” It gave him a sense of relief but was simultaneously overwhelming.
Both Ferriss and Millman talk about books and treatments that have been helpful to them. Their knowledge of trauma treatments and resources is impressive and can be found at: Tim Ferriss – My Healing Journey After Childhood Abuse (Includes Extensive Resource List). Their wish is to share their suffering as a way to help others, impart hope, and better connect.
Dr. Miller is coauthor with Annette Hanson, MD, of “Committed: The Battle Over Involuntary Psychiatry Care” (Baltimore: Johns Hopkins University, 2016). She has a private practice and is assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Johns Hopkins, both in Baltimore.