Good morning, Doctor. I went to another dermatology office, but I'm not going back there. Too risky."
"Too risky?"
"They had a staff infection."
"Let's review your history. Do you have any medical issues?"
"Just my prostrate."
"Any skin problems?"
"My mother says when I was an infant I had ectopic dermatitis."
"And after that?"
"As a teenager my face was clear, but I did have bacne."
"Go on."
"In college I got an irritation in my groinal area."
"A fungus?"
"No, but I did have a fungus on my toenails. The test showed a hermaphrodite infection."
"What about the groin rash?"
"I have it on my scalp and elbows too. The doctor said it was seriosis."
"Did he treat you with anything?"
"I got two creams for the elbows, ones that come from farms in warm climates."
"Farms in warm climates?"
"Cultivate and Tropicort."
"Does this rash come on your face?"
"No, but I do have rosetta there."
"Have you had any growths removed?"
"The kind that run in families. Most of my relatives get bumbs."
"Bumbs?"
"Yes, you know. Like skin ticks. The doctor didn't take them off. He had his PI do it."
"Any skin cancers?"
"I did have two plastic nevi removed. And there was a squamish cell on my arm. It just propped up."
"Did the doctor burn it off?"
"No, I was afraid of scarring so he sent me to a surgeon for an exorcision."
"Any other skin problems?"
"I'm a little embarrassed about this. I was once incarcerated, and I got penal warts."
"Were you treated for them while you were in jail?"
"Yes. It was minimum security."
"What else?"
"Gentile herpes."
"Here's a prescription for an antibiotic for your face. What are you looking at?"
"I can't read it. P O … what does POBID mean?"
"Twice a day by mouth. But you don't have to read it. The pharmacist reads it."
"You mean I get this in a pharmacy?"
"Yes."
"Any pharmacy?"
"Yes."
"Can I take it to Drugtown?"
"Any pharmacy."
"How about PHarmaRiot?"
"Yes, there too. What cream did you use for the groin?"
"I knew you'd ask me that, so I wrote it down. Here it is … Fougera!"
"That's the manufacturer."
"It was white. It came in a tube."
"And?"
"It had a yellow stripe. There was a 5 in it. Why am I thinking of Lucy's husband?"
"Desonide?"
"That's it! Say, can't these steroid creams thin your skin?"
"This one is okay."
"Even for the groinal area?"
"Yes. Here's a prescription. Now what are you looking at?"
"It just says BID, but there isn't any PO."
"The technician at PHarmaRiot will type the instructions in English."
"Weren't you going to give me a prescription for the antibiotic for my face, the one with the PO?"
"I did give it to you. You put it away."
"I can't find it. Could you write another one? And I need a different script for a 3-month mail-away."
"Okay, here."
"You wrote only one refill. The mail-away has to have three refills."
"All right."
"I also need a 3-monther for the groinal cream."
"Three refills?"
"Yes. Doc. I have to go."
"How come?"
"Damned prostrate."