School-age children: Adding mindfulness
While a child’s cognitive development unfolds naturally, school-age children can cultivate awareness of their thoughts. This becomes possible after awareness of feelings and parents can help their older children consider whether something they are experiencing is a thought, a feeling, or a fact. They do so in the same way they helped their child develop emotional literacy: By responding with calm, curiosity, and confidence every time their child comes to them in distress (especially mild distress, like boredom!) or with a challenge or a question. With a difficult situation, parents start by helping their child to identify thoughts and feelings before impulsively acting on them. Parents can help children identify what’s in their control, try different approaches, and be flexible if their first efforts don’t work. Children need to learn that failing at things is how we learn and grow. Just like learning to ride a bike, it builds their frustration tolerance, their knowledge that they can do difficult things, and that distress subsides. These are critical building blocks for adolescence, when the challenges become greater and they manage them more independently.
Dr. Michael S. Jellinek
Learning “mindfulness” (a practice that cultivates nonjudgmental awareness of one’s own thoughts, feelings, and sensations) can help children (and parents) to cultivate quiet self-awareness outside of moments of difficulty. “Stop, Breathe, and Think” and “Mindful gNATs” are two free apps that are recommended by the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry for children (and their parents) to use to practice this awareness of thoughts and feelings.
Early and later adolescence: Stress management skills
Building on this awareness of thoughts and emotions, adolescents develop adaptive coping skills by facing challenges with the support of their parents nearby. Parents should still be ready to respond to charged emotional moments with calm and curiosity, validating their child’s distress while helping them to consider healthy responses. Helping their teenager to describe their experience, differentiating feelings from thoughts (and facts), and considering different choices within their control is foundational to resilience in adulthood. Parents also help their teenagers by reminding them of the need for good self-care (sleep, exercise, nutrition), nourishing social relationships, and protecting time for rest and recharging activities. Sometimes, parents will think with their teenager about why they are engaged in an activity that is stressful, whether it is authentically important to them, and why. Adolescents should be deepening their sense of identity, interests, talents, and even values, and stressful moments are rich opportunities to do so, with the support of caring adults. Without intentionally building these skills, adolescents will be more prone to managing stress with avoidance or unhealthy coping, such as excessive eating, video gaming, drugs, or alcohol.
Infancy and up: Behavioral healthy habits (sleep, physical activity, nutrition, and screen time)
Healthy habits sound simple, but establishing them is not always easy. The idea of a habit is that it makes managing something challenging or important more automatic, and thus easier and more reliable. Many of the same habits that promote physical health in adulthood also promote mental health: adequate, restful sleep; daily physical activity; a nutritious diet and a healthy relationship with food; and managing screen time in a developmentally appropriate way. Infants depend entirely on their parents for regulation of these behaviors. As their children grow, parents will adapt these routines so that their children are gradually regulating these needs and activities more independently. In each of these areas, children need clear expectations and routines, consistent consequences and positive feedback, and the modeling and patient support of their parents. Educate parents about what good sleep hygiene looks like at each age. Discuss ways to support regular physical activity, especially as a family. Ask the parents about nutrition, including how they manage picky eating; how many family meals they enjoy together; and whether food is ever used to manage boredom or distress. Finally, talk with parents about a developmentally appropriate approach to rules and expectations around screen time and the importance of using family-based rules. Establishing expectations and routines during early childhood means children learn how good it feels to have restful sleep, regular exercise, and happy, healthy family meals. In adolescence, parents can then focus on helping their children to manage temptation, challenge, disappointment, and frustration more independently.