Pitfalls to avoid
Avoiding humiliation may be obvious, such as not complementing a singing performance or insistence on the child self-reporting bad behavior. For some families the parents may need to avoid their own embarrassing habits of “bad jokes” or outlandish clothes as a reasonable accommodation. Other kinds of humiliation to avoid may be specific to the child’s weaknesses, such as insisting that a clumsy child play on a team or a shy child speak to strangers. While it may be valuable for the child to work on those weaknesses, this should be done in private, if possible, or even with a coach who is not the parent if the relationship is strained.
Sensitive or anxious children are more prone to embarrassment and may then react with oppositional responses. They often do better with notice or coaching for upcoming events that may be in a category that has upset them in the past; for example, a visit from an overly affectionate aunt. Children may gain respect for their parents by being given a task that serves as an early escape route for these situations (Oh, would you please run out to the car and get my sweater?) although progressively tolerating undesirable situations is also important practice. A kindly debrief later with praise for progress also builds skills.
Reinforcing behaviors and revisiting consequences
Gaining more privileges as the reward for cooperation and responsibility is the natural sequence with development but oppositional children may need a chart, ideally negotiated as a family, to be clear about this cause-effect plan and what is expected for them to earn more freedom. Another benefit of a chart is that it is an objective translator of rules that can literally be pointed to rather than a parent-child conversation that could become an argument. Parents need to make expectations clear and follow through on promised increased privileges or consequences to be seen as fair. Having regular routines for chores, not just for activities, reduces refusal as well. Such concrete steps are especially important for children with ADHD who are often easily distracted from parental requests even if they meant to follow them and have a weak sense of timing. I have seen some wise parents give their distracted or impulsive child “a minute to decide if that is their final choice” before levying a consequence.
“When-then” statements can be useful both for coaching appropriate behavior in advance, debriefs, and alerting to consequences when needed. For example: “When you ask your aunt a question right away when you meet her then her hugs will be shorter” is coaching. “When you come home an hour late then you will have an hour earlier curfew the next week” is a graded consequence.
The cell phone issue
I can’t omit mentioning the specific situation of a child on a cell phone or tablet ignoring or refusing requests. While having possession of such a device may be seen as a safety measure (How can he reach me?) and social coinage (All my friends have one!), they are distracting and addicting and now the most common reason I see for oppositional interactions. This has been discussed elsewhere, so let me just say that a device is a privilege and should not “belong” to a child. Delaying the age of “lending” the device, establishing rules for use to certain situations and durations, and removing it for defined periods if it is interfering with cooperation are basic principles, even though enforcing them may result in upsets. Parents may need to change their own device use to be able to address oppositional behavior in their child.