In case you haven’t been following the news about Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o’s non-relationship with his imaginary not-really-dead girlfriend Lennay Kekua, it turns out the Heisman contender now says the whole thing was a hoax perpetrated by Ronaiah Tuiasosopo using a pilfered profile photo of Diane O’Meara. I’m still skeptical about this story. I mean, what kind of name is “Diane”?
Bearable lightness of being
Is someone close to you an optimist? The one who sees you slaving over your 1040 Long Form and says, “You always did enjoy Sudoku!” Don't you just hate that person? And yet, optimists sometimes get it right, as shown by a new report on childhood obesity trends in New York and Los Angeles. It turns out that either a comprehensive, culturally sensitive government approach to improving childhood obesity really is capable of reversing the trend, or we’ve just reached the natural limits of humans’ ability to eat cheese doodles.
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The newest L.A. trend is the Red Carpet Diet. Stars are forced to buy outfits two sizes too small and then squeeze into them by Oscar night or face complete mortification from the Fashion Police.
New York City started its obesity battle early, in the 1990s, when the concept of encouraging children to drink low-fat milk was considered “innovative.” The successful program was named “Eat Well Play Hard,” after organizers rejected such culturally relevant names as “Ah, What Do Youse Care,” and “Fugeddaboutit.” Other innovations in the program included promoting fruit and vegetable consumption and exercise, supporting breast-feeding, and limiting television viewing by young children. By 2004, childhood obesity rates in New York had peaked, and they’ve been falling since. Skeptics might point out that since 2004, the only people who could afford living in New York have been either hedge fund managers or the panelists on "The View."
The Los Angeles experience bolsters the argument that such programs actually work, since L.A. County started its program later than New York and saw its childhood obesity rates level off and decline later as well. Of course, planners in Los Angeles had to take into account the unique aspects of the city’s culture, so their program relies more on personal trainers, gourmet food trucks, and Cool Sculpting. Building on the program’s success, LA officials soon hope to have every poor child in the county adopted by Angelina Jolie.
If it ain’t broken
I love how much money there is to be made in fixing things that were never problems in the first place. My favorite new product is Himalayan Salt Foot D-Tox Patches, designed to suck toxins out of your bloodstream through the soles of your feet while you sleep, as only Nepalese flavorings can do (be sure and remove them before walking). Researchers in the Netherlands, however, suggest adenoidectomy might be about as useful, at least when used to treat recurrent colds and sinus infections.
Technically, the research team already proved this in 2011, when they randomized 111 children with recurrent upper respiratory infections to either immediate adenoidectomy or watchful waiting and found that outcomes for both groups were the same. Anyone who knows that kids tend to get fewer colds and sinus infections as they age or that adenoids shrink and disappear with time was less surprised at these results than that Hugh Jackman was nominated for Best Actor. The new study just demonstrated that not performing surgery is less expensive than performing surgery, even in a country with universal health care. These findings may not apply to children who lose their adenoids because of recurrent ear infections or airway obstruction, but I’d love to see those indications come under more scrutiny as well. I may apply for a grant myself, as soon as I’m done perfecting my recipe for Himalayan salted caramels; they still taste a little ... funky.
Buzz kill
Speaking of not being surprised, more evidence suggests that so-called Energy Beverages may not be safe, news about as shocking as a Best Actor nomination for Daniel Day-Lewis. A new report from the Substance Abuse & Mental Health Services Administration cites a doubling of emergency department visits associated with energy beverage use between 2007 and 2011. Coming on the heels of an investigation of 18 deaths possibly attributed to the drinks, the report has some people questioning whether taking up to 500 milligrams of caffeine combined with other stimulants may not be so healthy.
My favorite part of this story is how the American Beverage Association is responding to 21,000 annual ED visits for complaints ranging from insomnia, nervousness, and headaches to palpitations and seizures. In a statement on their website, the ABA suggested that since many people abuse alcohol and drugs when they’re sipping such beverages as Venom, Monster Hit Man, and Xience Xenergy (the only thing better than science is xience), perhaps the entire increase in ED visits is really attributable to unreported substance abuse! I’m disappointed that the authors of this statement are not eligible for an Academy Award. Perhaps they at least could get a Heisman?